A Love letter to Talitha

Dear Talitha –

You are our miracle baby! After a decade of trying to conceive, years of fertility treatments and IVF – there you were – appearing to us in the form of two little pink lines. I had begun to feel your presence in the weeks prior. I was nauseous and sore, tired, and so hungry; but I kept passing off all these symptoms because after all these years it seemed impossible that on those months off from treatments, while we waited for our IVF transfer, that you would make your way into existence.

You – sweet girl gave us the gift of hope and a surprise pregnancy. The kind I had always dreamed of. These past months of carrying you inside of me have been the greatest joy. I have spent a lifetime dreaming of pregnancy and you gave me that gift. I didn’t even mind the morning sickness because each morning when I would roll over --- , that wave of nausea would remind me that you were in there and growing. I loved having you inside of me, keeping me company. As I travelled this fall I never felt alone, I loved knowing wherever I was off to – it was you and me. Your heart was beating inside of me and my blood was flowing through your tiny veins. You were and will always be a part of me. I loved the little baby bump you gave me - I walked around proudly with it. I will wear the stretch marks you left behind as a badge of honor reminding me of your life inside of me.

Talitha – you were so loved by all of us. I couldn’t wait for you to meet your brother Paul. He insisted from the moment we told him about you – that you were in fact a girl and he never wavered on that. I hope you heard the sweet songs he wrote for and would sing to my belly in the evenings, or that you felt his kisses each morning as he would snuggle my belly. He had BIG plans for the two of you– and my heart aches knowing that the two of you won’t get to spend yourchildhoods together.

Your daddy would have been such a great girl dad and I know you would havebeen such a daddy’s girl. At your anatomy scan we spent an hour and a half trying to get you in the right position. I walked, stretched and did yoga poses that had me upside down up the wall to try and get you to flip over – and then the minute your Dad walked in … you flipped right over, face up in the perfect position to let us get a picture of your beautiful face.

I don’t know if you would have completed our family or fallen right in the middle but what I do know is that without you we will never feel fully complete. Even though we never really knew you, we loved you with all the passion and intensity that a parent loves a child.

I wake up each morning looking and feeling less and less pregnant and it breaks my heart. Not having you safe inside of me or wrapped in my arms is the deepest pain I have ever felt. And yet, I would do it all over again – just to have the chance to meet you and to hold you for just a moment my sweet girl. When you arrived earthside we were blessed that you had a heartbeat – that we got to hold you close for your first and only moments on earth and I will forever thank God for that chance. We held you close, whispering I love you’s and christening you in our teas, thanking God for the chance to be your parents. I hope that in those moments you felt only peace and immense love.

As grief stricken as we are, we rejoice that the moment you left our arms You were gathered up in the arms of The Father - the great rescuer. We rejoice that we know you are safe in Heaven and that one day I will get to see your sweet face, hear your voice and wrap my arms around you.

Talitha, our girl, your life mattered. You were designed with care, carefully crafted, intentionally planted - called as His before you were even named. You were knit together with love and purpose, and you have forever changed us. Our love for you is beyond measure.

I am so grateful that Jesus let me be the one to carry you, give you this little life, hold you in my arms, and hold you in my heart until the fullness of forever.

And so, my love, in the words of EE cummings:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere i go ---- you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me

is your doing----my darling)

 i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world(for beautiful you are my world---- my true)

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root ------ and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I’ll love you forever my girl,

– Mommy